Made to Last
by musiksnob
Summary: Clare is excited that Eli is coming home from NYU for Thanksgiving weekend, but when Eli reveals the truth about his living situation, Clare isn't sure if she can trust him anymore. ECLARE.
1. Chapter 1

**Well, hi there. It's me, Musiksnob. I know a lot of you follow me on Twitter and Tumblr and have gotten a vague picture of why I haven't been writing, but just in case, it isn't because I've given up on Degrassi or Eclare or Stay. I've been suffering from insomnia due to some health issues for the past three months which have made writing (and really everything else) just about impossible. I think I am finally on my way back to the mend, but it may take a while before I am fully back together.**

**That being said, I am really hoping that on my better days I can get back to normal - especially with writing. So I'm going to try to write this story about the whole Eli/Clare/hot roommate/Drew debacle. It's going to have four chapters. I feel like I'm learning how to write again, so if it's not the greatest thing I've ever written, please don't get mad.**

**Thanks for reading! This fic is named after the song Made to Last by Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin which is a band I highly recommend you check out.**

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_Tuesday October 8, 7:15 p.m._

"Where are you?" I mumbled aloud, stretching my legs out in front of me on my bed and rebalancing my plate of lo mein to make sure I didn't accidentally dump it onto my laptop. I had just found out the best news and I couldn't wait to share it with Eli and being delayed even a few minutes was making me a bit jittery.

Eli and I had a standing Tuesday night Skype date. I had thought that picking a permanent appointment was kind of silly when he suggested it his first week of university, but I had grown to appreciate the steadiness of spending two hours on video chat with him every week. I hadn't realized just how naïve I had been to think we'd be able to Skype whenever we wanted and talk on the phone for a few minutes here and there several times a day. I'd been so busy essentially running student council for Drew – who in his messy grieving state was barely capable of leading a meeting, let alone an organization – and trying to finish my early decision Columbia application ahead of deadline, that I had less time to talk to Eli than I had ever expected. Even getting my regular schoolwork done was more difficult and time-consuming than usual in my post-chemotherapy brain haze.

And on the rare occasion that I did find myself with some free time, it never matched up with Eli's. Having to watch so many movies for his classes on top of all the reading he had to do meant that two or three hours of every day were filled. Sometimes I'd notice his Skype icon was green and send him a video call only to have him hang up and send an IM that he was studying in the middle of the library and couldn't talk now. Or he'd slowly stop responding to a text conversation because he was having dinner with his friends from Introduction to Film Production and they were planning the details of their shoot for the weekend. Phone calls were brief and were becoming fewer as the weeks went on and I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to have a conversation with him come December when we were dealing with papers and finals.

It wasn't all bad though. I loved waking up to a love letter email penned at 3 a.m. while he procrastinated writing a paper for his required writing seminar and I smiled whenever I checked my phone for texts between classes at Degrassi and received a little joke, a film recommendation, an update on his next door neighbor's attempts to hook up with the girl across the hall or even a simple "I love you." But it was our Skype dates that made feel like we were still in an active relationship despite being in different countries, hours away from each other.

But Eli was now 20 minutes late and I was bursting at the seams to tell him my good news. So I grabbed my cell phone and called him.

"I'm sorry," he said as soon as he picked up. "I got waylaid in the caf by this guy from my writing seminar who lost his syllabus and of course it's the class with the troglodyte professor who refuses to put it online. I'm done now but I'm about five minutes away from the dorm."

"You could have texted," I said gently. "Because I really need to tell you something and I can't wait any longer."

"I have something to tell you too," he said, sounding completely distracted. "Let me just get back. I don't have time for a full Skype date tonight but I want to see your pretty face."

My phone beeped and it took me a moment to realize that Eli had hung up. "Really?" I grumbled. "You can't stay on the phone during your five minute walk?" Eli's inconsiderateness had tempered my happy mood quite a bit but I knew that he'd change his tune once I told him that I'd finally get to see him again.

It took over ten minutes and I'd finished all of my lo mein in the meantime but eventually I heard Skype ringing. I switched over from my Chrome window where I'd been pricing out bus and train fare. As soon as I accepted the call and saw Eli sitting on his bed, resting his head against his Trainspotting poster and wearing a gray shirt that I'd always loved on him, all of my frustration melted away.

"I'm going to see you!" I announced, not bothering with any small talk.

"What?" His forehead wrinkled and he pushed his hand through his hair. "Did you talk to Cece today?"

I pushed on without really listening to his response. "No, but my mom just got off the phone with Mrs. Bhandari, who agreed to let Alli and Jenna come down to New York with me. So I'm _finally_ going to get to come down and see you at NYU." I grabbed a pillow and squeezed it into a hug.

"I'm not sure..."

I frowned momentarily at his lack of enthusiasm but waved him off. "I know you've got a lot going on right now, but I was thinking the first weekend in November might work. We'll probably leave here right after school on Friday and I'm hoping we can convince them to let us stay until Tuesday even if we miss two days of school. It would be such a waste to only be there for two days." I sucked in a breath. "Oooh, maybe I can set up a meeting with someone at Columbia or a tour or something. That would give us a good excuse to stay for Monday at least."

I reached for my planner. "Do you think it would be okay if the three of us crash on your floor for a few nights? I know Len doesn't get out much, but it's just for one weekend," I continued, scribbling down a note to send an email to the journalism department to set up an informational interview. I knew Eli wasn't friendly with his roommate and didn't spend much time in his room because of it, but I really didn't want that to derail my plans to see him.

I looked back up at the screen and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. "Although hopefully, he'll leave at some point, because you and I have a _lot_ of catching up to do. I know Alli and Jenna won't have any problem with going out shopping and leaving us alone though we probably will have to listen to their comedy routine about safe sex before they go." I blushed at my words; at the end of my cancer treatment I had decided to go on the pill and I'd spent the last month fantasizing about what it would be like to spend our fourteenth – and hopefully fifteenth, but maybe even more if we had enough time – sexual experience with Eli inside me barrier-free, since I'd be on it long enough for the pill to be effective.

Eli hadn't said anything and though his eyebrows were slightly raised at my suggestion, he didn't seem as pleased as I had expected him to be. "What's wrong?" I asked quickly. "Do you have plans that weekend?"

He leaned closer to the screen, his hands clasped with tension. "It's not that..."

"Or is that you don't want us to come at all?" I asked, my voice dropping. I knew this wasn't the perfect way for us to reunite, but he didn't seem even a little happy about it. "I know Jenna and Alli aren't your favourite people on earth but there's no way my mother is going to let me go alone, and Jake is still in B.C. Not like he'd be so keen on letting us have any alone time." I let out a short, nervous laugh. Ever since Jake found out about the cancer he has been ridiculously over-protective. He called me every single day in the hospital to check up on me and the only reason he didn't fly home was because I told him not to. And though he was normally supportive of my relationship with Eli, when he noticed I had stopped wearing my purity ring during one of our Skype chats and I had admitted in a very non-detailed fashion that Eli and I had done more than just get back together on prom night, he had the nerve to call Eli up and give him a "big brother" speech about what he would do to him if he ever hurt me again.

Eli still looked unhappy. I was starting to run out of ways to sell this trip to him, and I was really starting to get annoyed that I had to. "We could invite Imogen along with us. I'm sure she'd love to see the city and get a chance to hang out with you." I'd always considered Imogen to be more Eli's friend than mine, but since Adam's death and the start of the school year, we'd been spending a lot more time together. She'd been a lifesaver when it came to getting things done for student council and the more time I spent alone with her, the more I'd grown to appreciate a more serious side to the normally quirky girl.

"Clare, the trip sounds great," Eli said, though the tone of his voice didn't match his words. "And I'd love for you to come here and see me. But maybe we can hold off on the details until this weekend."

"What's this weekend?"

He gave me his patented lopsided smirk though I couldn't help but notice his eyes were lacking his usual sparkle. "When I come see you in Toronto."

"Seriously?!" I yelled, grabbing the pillow and hurling it at the screen as if it were possible to have a pillow fight over the internet. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"You didn't really give me much of a chance," he teased. "Going on and on about Alli and Jake and Imogen... I swear every time we're on Skype you never let me get a word in edgewise."

I rolled my eyes. "I thought you weren't going to be able to come home for Thanksgiving."

He shrugged. "Turns out my Film Studies prof is a fellow Canadian. He said he'd give me his lecture notes and let me hand in my paper on Wednesday in exchange for five bags of ketchup chips and a good bottle of maple syrup. All I had to do was butter up Cece and Bullfrog to help pay for a _very_ expensive last minute plane ticket."

"When will you be here?"

"I get in early Saturday afternoon and fly out at the crack of dawn Tuesday morning so I don't miss my afternoon class."

I felt tears prick my eyes as I grinned at him. "I can't believe I get to see you this weekend." I grabbed my planner again. "Unfortunately, I've got a lot going on, but I know we could always use another family fest volunteer."

He chuckled. "Sign me up."

I skimmed the page for Saturday. I had to be at Degrassi at 10 to work on setting up the auditorium for Monday's event, but I could probably skip out early if Imogen was there to supervise. "I could maybe pick you up at the airport if I can get the car," I said, still looking down at my calendar.

"Cece and Bullfrog have that covered," he said. "Apparently, you're not the only person who misses me."

I laughed. "I'm surprised." I scanned down the rest of the page for Saturday and frowned. "Oh...did you get an email from Audra?"

Eli's face fell and his jaw tightened. "Yeah," he said gruffly, coughing into his hand.

Audra had emailed a few of Adam's friends and asked them if they would stop by on Saturday. She had started going through his room and wanted us to come see if there was anything of his we would like to have. "I guess that's good timing then, that you'll be home. I know she'll want you to be there."

Eli wouldn't meet my eyes. "I don't know if I can..."

I reached out instinctively as if I could grab his hand through the computer. "I don't feel ready either. But Audra needs to deal with this at her own pace and if its faster than ours, we should be there for her."

Eli coughed again. "Listen, I have a lot of work to get done so I can get away this weekend. I'm sorry to cut this short...I just wanted to let you know."

"Okay," I said, trying to sound supportive. "I can't wait to see you."

"Me too," he said, sounding miserable.

"Love you," I said softly.

"Me too," he repeated, his tone unchanged.


	2. Chapter 2

**An update in a reasonable amount of time - it's a miracle!**

**Actually the next chapter should taken even less time since I've already got a decent amount of it written. I have a feeling I'll be splitting it into two due to length, especially since the second half of it is much harder to write.**

**So you probably won't love this chapter and I suspect we won't love this scene when it happens on the show (and of course, it'll be totally different there and could actually be about another issue entirely) but again, trust me. It'll all work out.**

* * *

_Saturday, October 6, 1:27 p.m._

I sat on the couch in my living room, ostensibly trying to find something halfway interesting to watch on Saturday afternoon TV, but really I was just waiting for Eli. His plane had landed over three hours ago, but his parents had taken him out for a nice lunch that was taking longer than he'd anticipated. I was a little disappointed that I hadn't been invited – after all, I hadn't seen Cece or Bullfrog in over a month either – but when Eli had called to let me know he'd be late, Cece had grabbed his phone and told me they were just trying to get a little bit of time in with him before they lost him to me for the rest of the weekend.

I had been imagining our reunion in great detail over the past few months. As soon as I answered the door, Eli would pull me into a kiss that took my breath away. And then I'd lead him up to my room and after we'd made love, we'd spend the next hour at least wrapped up in each other, catching up on everything going on in our lives, our literal nakedness allowing an intimacy that our Skype chats never could. I felt like I knew everything Eli was doing at university – his class assignments, the movies he watched – but I had no clue how he was feeling. Was he stressed by the extra work? Was he lonely without me? He'd mentioned plenty of people by name but I couldn't tell if any of them were close friends or just people he'd grab dinner with or collaborate with on group projects.

It had almost seemed as if my dream would be possible. Mom and Glen had decided to make a fortuitously timed trip to the farmer's market near the lakehouse to buy a pumpkin pie from their favourite baker for tomorrow's meal. And Jake had let us know a few weeks ago that he'd be staying in British Columbia for the holiday. He'd be spending it with the family of his girlfriend Adrienne – a girl that he'd said only a month ago that he wasn't serious with. I was pretty sure Jake had claimed that about every girl he'd ever dated; for a guy who talked a lot about playing the field, he seemed to get involved in relationships rather easily. Jake said he would return home to Toronto for Christmas and I fully expected that he'd arrive with his not-so-serious girlfriend in tow.

But my reunion fantasy was still not in the cards. We were supposed to arrive at the Torres house by 2:30, and that wouldn't even leave time for a quickie – as Eli liked to call it – let alone an afternoon of slow and intimate sex and conversation. And besides, it wouldn't be appropriate to arrive at their house with sex hair and post-coital bliss in our smiles while we helped Audra sort through Adam's belongings to decide what to keep, what to donate, and which mementos we'd personally like to keep honour our best friend's memory.

I had no idea how that was going to go. I'd spent so much time with Drew the last few weeks, guiding him through the planning of Family Fest, a Thanksgiving Day meal and day of fun events for families in need in the community – and I knew he wasn't coping even remotely well with Adam's death. There were times at student council that I literally had to put my hand on Drew's arm to steady him because it seemed like he was one second away from losing his mind. With Bianca away at university and Dallas seeming to deal with his own grief issues by pulling away from Drew, I sometimes felt like the only person keeping Drew together – whether I was dragging him through the motions at student council meetings or letting him copy my French homework so he'd have the slightest chance of passing Madame Jean-Aux's quizzes.

I checked my phone yet again for a text even though I hadn't heard the notification beep. The last one was from Imogen, asking me to text her when Eli and I would be going over to the Torres house so she wouldn't have to go alone. I knew she was nervous being around Becky, who had perceived Imogen as a threat to her relationship with Adam and even after his death hadn't seemed to get over it. As far as I knew, Becky didn't know about the fact that Imogen and Adam had actually hooked up not long before he died; Imogen had confessed to Eli and me a few days after the funeral and Dallas and Drew both knew, but we had all kept it a closely guarded secret.

The phone beeped but instead of being a message from Eli, it was a low battery alert. I must have forgotten to charge it last night. My charger was upstairs and I knew I wouldn't have much time anyway so I put it back in my pocket so that I didn't drain it further.

As I paced around the living room and kitchen, I noticed that Mom had already set the dining room table with her formal china for tomorrow's meal. There were only three place settings, a far cry from the boisterous family dinners of my youth that featured not only Dad and Darcy, but aunts, cousins, and family friends galore. I busied myself with putting out another set of dishes. I hadn't officially invited Eli, but I knew his family usually celebrated Thanksgiving on the actual holiday, so there shouldn't be a conflict. When I had added him to the volunteer schedule for Family Fest that I'd emailed out yesterday morning, I'd put him in the early 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. group so he wouldn't miss out on dinner with his own family. I wouldn't be able to leave until after 4 at the earliest – not that it mattered since he hadn't extended an invitation either – but I was hoping to swing by in time for dessert. I missed hanging out with Cece and Bullfrog and I couldn't help but long for a little bit of time alone up in Eli's room afterward.

The doorbell finally rang and I practically sprinted to the door. I opened it up, beaming. "Hey!"

"Hi Clare," he said, his voice a little more gravelly than usual. It threw me off and I stopped myself before hurling myself into his arms as I had intended. He leaned down and gave me the world's shortest kiss before stepping back. I tried to swallow the feeling of rejection that was climbing in my throat. Really? After all this time apart, that was how he greeted me?

But as I ushered him in the house, I got a closer look at him. There were bags under his eyes and his skin was paler than usual. His leather jacket looked like it was drowning his frame and I wondered if the already thin Eli had somehow taken off the freshman fifteen rather than gaining it. "You look terrible," I said, not really thinking about how bad that sounded.

"Well hello to you too," he chuckled. I rolled my eyes at him but really I was happy that he sounded like himself. That feeling was short-lived as he hovered nervously in my living room and I had to ask him to have a seat on the couch. Had it really been that long? Usually Eli would burst into the house if I left it unlocked and had no problem taking over the couch, even putting his feet up on the coffee table, shoes and all.

I didn't think a little over a month away was long enough for Eli to feel awkward in my house. I certainly didn't think it was possible for him to feel this awkward around me.

"We don't have much time before we need to go to Drew's," I said, noticing that this was the first time I had referred to their house as Drew's rather than Adam's. "But maybe afterward we'll be able to have some alone time," I said, squeezing his leg right above his knee. I wasn't too optimistic about anything happening though. I remembered how anxious and depressed Eli had been when we were working on cleaning up his room and Julia's death hadn't been anywhere near as recent as Adam's. It hadn't exactly put either of us in the mood then and that was back when we were only sharing long, lingering kisses at most.

Rather than responding, Eli covered his mouth with both hands and ran for the bathroom. I could hear him puking through the closed door. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to come in and make sure he was okay. I remembered how much I had hated it when everyone made a fuss over me when I was sick during my chemotherapy treatments, so instead I just went to the kitchen to get him a glass of water and a breath mint. I hated to say it but while I wasn't happy that Eli felt sick, it made me a little less upset about the lack of an enthusiastic greeting.

He emerged a few minutes later, wiping the water he'd splashed on his face away from his mouth. "Are you okay?" I asked as I handed him the glass.

"Yeah I just..." He stopped to take a sip. "My stomach's just a little wonky between flying, too much lunch, Adam...and this." He gestured between the two of us.

"Spending time with me makes you sick?" I joked.

"No, there's just...something I have to tell you." He was speaking really slowly as if he were forcing himself to say each word. I felt a jolt of nerves in my own stomach watching him summon the courage to tell me something I clearly wasn't going to want to hear.

I sat down next to him on the couch and leaned toward him, touching his hand. "Are you sure you want to do this now? You're not feeling well and we're supposed to go soon. We can always talk later." I knew if we delayed this conversation I would spend the rest of the afternoon obsessing over the horrible possibilities but I wasn't sure I was ready for news so horrible that it literally made Eli sick.

"No, I need to..." He took a deep breath. "I haven't been...completely honest...with you about my living situation."

That wasn't exactly what I expected him to say. "What do you mean?"

"My roommate isn't a guy named Len." My eyes shot open and I pulled my hand away from his. "Her name is Lenore."

"_Her_ name?" I repeated. Eli nodded and didn't respond. He covered his face with his hands as I stared at him, trying to process this information.

"How is that even possible?" I asked, my jaw tight. "I know NYU is pretty liberal with their housing assignments, but I'm pretty sure you need to _ask_ to be put in a coed room."

"And I didn't ask for it," he said quickly. "It just kind of happened."

"Right," I said, moving farther away from him on the couch. "And when exactly did this happen?"

He cringed. "The day after I moved in."

"You've got to be kidding me," I screeched. "You've been lying to me for over a month!"

"I meant to tell you," he explained. "But it was only supposed to be temporary, and then when it wasn't, I knew you were going to be mad at me for not telling you, so I've just been...putting it off."

"Putting it off for over a month," I said bitterly. I stood up and crossed the room, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

So this was why Eli had kept me out of the loop on his NYU life. He told me he didn't like his roommate and spent almost no time in his room so he wouldn't have to talk about _him_. How did I know that that wasn't a lie as well? Maybe he spent all of his time hanging out in his room. Maybe he didn't really mention being close friends with anyone at NYU because Lenore was his best friend.

Maybe she was more than that.

I gasped. "Oh my God," I said, "_Lenore_. The girl who's liked every single Facerange update and Instagram you've posted in the past month." The girl who just happened to look like a super model. The girl who in some lonely depressed moments I had imagined draped across Eli's lap at a party while he held a joint in one hand and worked his tongue down her throat. I had known Eli would have plenty of beautiful interesting university girls in his life and that I'd have to have faith in his loyalty to me.

I hadn't expected I'd have to worry about the person sharing his dorm room most of all.

"That's an exaggeration," he mumbled. He was looking down at his hands, clenched tightly in his lap.

I pulled out my phone but as soon as I clicked on the Facerange app, the battery finally ran out and it turned itself off. "Give me your phone," I demanded. I knew it wasn't exactly fair of me to ask but Eli's privacy wasn't exactly my top priority right now.

He handed it over without a word and went back to looking down. It gave me a momentary feeling of relief; if he had something to hide, he would have put up a fight. I scrolled down his Facerange timeline. There were updates from Jake and Bianca, some guy named Markus who was wearing a NYU hoodie, a bunch of girls I didn't know but who weren't named Lenore who were either hugging their boyfriends or their cats in their photos and oddly one from Mr. Armstrong who I guessed friended his students once they became alumni. Nothing from Eli, which wasn't exactly surprising since he's been on a plane. I clicked on his profile, figuring his posts would be evidence enough that his surprise female roommate was clearly obsessed with him.

And then my heart stopped. The very first post was a photo message from Lenore herself. "Eli," I read aloud, my voice choked with tears. "We'll be waiting for you when you get back. XOXO." She was sitting on his bed, right on his plaid comforter, in front of the Trainspotting poster that backgrounded all of our Tuesday night Skype dates. Her long, slim legs were crossed in front of her, unobstructed by her so-tiny-they-were-barely-there shorts, and she held up a DVD of The Seventh Samurai next to her face, leaving both her perfect teeth and her lowcut tank top on display.

He looked confused so I handed him back the phone, resisting the urge to throw it at him. He flinched as he saw the photo and I knew this was the first time he had seen it. "I know this looks bad..."

"Bad?" I sputtered. "This isn't even on the same planet as bad. I can see her freaking nipples through that shirt."

"I can explain," he finished, looking gobsmacked at my response.

In truth, it shocked me too. I'd always trusted Eli, even when he had given me plenty of reason not to in the past. I mean, a girl had once returned his shirt to him in the morning before school, and once he admitted he'd taken MDMA, I never even considered the fact that he might have cheated on me – even under the influence of mind altering drugs.

But there was no way I could give him the benefit of the doubt on this. Not after a month of lies. Not with a girl who looked like _that_.

"If you wanted to explain, you would have done that a month ago," I jeered. "If you're here to break up with me so you and Lenore can hook up guilt free, just get it over with. I hope you're very happy together."

"Clare," he said gently, in that voice that absolutely killed me, "I'm not here to break up with you. I don't want to be with her. I'm just trying to explain..."

"Trying to explain that you clearly have no respect for me whatsoever." I trudged over to the door and Eli followed me cautiously. "You've been lying to me for a month. You've barely told me anything about your life at school – and I guess I'm not really missing out on anything because I have no way of knowing if anything you've told me is the truth." I was mentally replaying every conversation we'd had since he moved to New York, trying to figure out how I had missed something so huge. A light clicked on in my brain and I looked at him in disgust. "God, what does she have, class every Tuesday night? That's why you set up the Skype date. So you could talk to me without her interrupting."

His look of shame told me that I was right. "I didn't mean to lie to you," he insisted. "I knew you were going to be upset. I was waiting for the right time."

"How stupid do you think I am?" I grabbed the door handle to steady myself. "You're lying about a roommate who looks like she stepped off the cover of Sizzle Teen and is just waiting for an invitation from Playboy. And she's sitting on _your_ bed right now, practically naked, waiting for you to come home and _watch movies_ with her," I said, using air quotes for emphasis.

"I can explain that," he said again. "Let's just sit down and I'll tell you the whole story."

"Tell me one thing," I demanded. "How long did it take before you fucked her?"

Eli's jaw dropped. "I didn't...I swear. Clare, I love you..."

My face screwed up in a grotesque mask of anger, revulsion and heartbreak. "_Don't _say that," I sobbed. "If you loved me, you wouldn't have done this."

"I didn't do anything," he insisted. "I screwed up by not telling you but I swear, I'm not lying about this. Not anymore."

"Look me in the eye and tell me nothing happened," I demanded.

"Clare," he said, his shoulders sinking.

It wasn't a confession but it told me everything I needed to know. "No," I whispered. Even after all of his lies, I still wanted to believe he was the guy I had fallen in love with. The guy who would never intentional hurt me. The guy who only wanted me.

"It was one kiss," he admitted. "She kissed me and I stopped it."

` "Get out," I said, opening the door.

"Just let me explain," he said once again, his voice full of desperation.

"Get out!" I yelled, grabbing him by the shoulders and shoving him through the door. He gave me one pleading look before I slammed the door in his face.

I sank to the floor, covered my face with my hands, and sobbed until I ran out of tears.


	3. Chapter 3

**It's Saturday night and I'm hanging out with some of my favorite Degrassians, but I finished the next chapter at the airport today and didn't want to make you want any longer.**

**I started planning this out a few weeks ago, so certain things don't fit into canon – Becky in particular is much nicer on the show than she is here – but I'm still hoping that things will happen something like this on the show.**

* * *

_Monday, October 14, 11:45 a.m._

Family Fest had only been going on for two hours but already I was completely exhausted. Of course, I had arrived at 6:30 to make sure that I was there in time for the deliveries, just in case they were early. They weren't, of course, so I spent an hour and a half wallowing in anger toward Eli. He had tried to call and texted so many times in the last day and a half that I had turned my cell off and I had only opened up my laptop to check my school email account for last minute Family Fest updates.

It was bad enough that Eli had ruined my holiday, but he had the audacity to show up for his volunteer shift. He had enough tact to stay busy with tasks on the other side of the gym and he had checked in with Jenna rather than me, but just the sight of him at the event I had worked so hard on was making it hard to keep myself together. I glanced over at him trying hard not to catch his eye, and saw him setting up the last table as he talked quietly to Bianca. I wanted to run over to him and pummel his chest as hard as I could. I wanted to scream at him for every mistake he had made during our relationship, and God, there were just so many.

I had forgive him so many times before, and as much as it killed me, I couldn't do it again.

I checked the schedule I had printed out this morning and affixed to my student council clipboard. The volunteers were in the process of herding the families to their tables, a difficult challenge considering just how many people had signed up – too many to fit in the cafeteria rather than the school gym – and how many of them had young, rambunctious children who had spent the morning bouncing on inflatable gym equipment.

I had insisted that instead of feeding the group in a buffet line that we would serve the meal family style; it had taken work to find a caterer willing to do that on our low, fundraised budget, but in the end I had gotten my way. Each table was decorated with a beautiful centerpiece that Imogen had designed, and was covered in platters and bowls of turkey, stuffing and other goodies. Alli and Jenna had spent the last week making matching nameplates for each person who was attending. The room looked amazing, and so far our plans had gone off without a hitch.

All that hard work and I couldn't even enjoy it.

Someone grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me into the hallway in such a whirlwind that I couldn't even identify them. "Hey!" I protested before realizing that it was Imogen and not Eli.

"I can't believe you guys ditched me on Saturday!" Imogen cried. "It was so awful. Becky Baker just kept shooting me evil looks like I was Satan herself, and Audra was trying to convince me to take a bagful of Adam's beanies and Drew just kept crying and Bianca kept saying, 'Drew. Drew.'" Imogen stopped talking just long enough to suck in a deep breath. "And Dallas wasn't even there because he scheduled some hockey thing to avoid being there, and I know he or Drew must have told Becky about what happened in the van because there's no way she could hate me that much if she didn't know."

"Becky can be judgmental," I said, trying to be patient. "I doubt Dallas or Drew would have said anything, and I certainly didn't."

"He's such a wreck," Imogen said, her eyes following Drew through the doorway as he stood on the stage near the podium staring off into space. "Audra was talking about how she was going to donate Adam's buttoned down shirt collection to a homeless shelter and Drew was screaming that he wanted to keep them, and she was all," – Imogen screwed up her face into a stern imitation of Audra – "Drew, you're three sizes bigger than your brother. If we donate the shirts then someone will get use out of them." She sighed. "I put together a box of things I thought you and Eli might like. Some pictures of the three of you and some of his old CDs."

I flinched at hearing Eli's name. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do less than go over to the Torres family house and go through a box of Adam's things – especially with Eli there. And it would be hard enough to look at photos of the three of us together; now it felt like our beautiful friendship was retroactively tainted by Eli's actions. "Thanks," I said softly, trying not to burst into tears.

"Soooo," she said, adopting her regular perky expression. "Even though I am _so_ mad at you guys, I want to hear all the details of your weekend with Eli. But what did you do, how awesome was it to see him again, and considering I'm hopelessly single and have to live vicariously through you," she paused and wiggled her eyebrows dramatically, "how were the sexytimes? Not too many details though; I got enough of that on prom night."

"We pretty much broke up, it completely sucked, and the only person Eli's been having 'sexytimes' with is his roommate," I said, bitterly repeating Imogen's ridiculous phrase.

Imogen gasped and covered her mouth in horror. "That's not possible."

"Believe it."

She patted my arm. "As someone who is well versed in the realm of bisexual loving and who used to kiss Eli myself, I can promise you that Eli is definitely not into guys." Her eyes widened and she tightened her hold on my shoulder. "Although he was rather flirty with Jake that time they got high together on Grade 12 Ditch Day."

"Great...yet another thing he lied to me about," I grumbled. Eli had vowed to stop smoking pot after my mother caught him shirtless in my bed, and I definitely hadn't heard about this. Though I supposed that was during the period at the end of last school year when we were broken up, which was another less than fond memory to add to the collection. "No, it turns out that his roommate is a girl...a detail he didn't seem to think was important enough to tell me in the past month."

"That jerk!" Imogen exclaimed. "I knew Eli has done some stupid things but I can't even believe he could have sex with someone else. I mean, I've never seen a guy more in love with a girl than Eli with you."

I wanted to hang on to the angry feeling but the pain in my heart was all sadness. "He said he didn't sleep with her, that it was just a kiss, but I don't know if that's true." A tear trickled down my cheek and I wiped it away, hoping Imogen wouldn't notice. "I just can't believe he lied to me."

Imogen opened her mouth to respond but she was cut off by Mr. Simpson's approach. "Clare, it's time to say grace and get the meal started. I don't think we can keep the food out of these kids' mouths for more than another two minutes."

"Sure thing, sir," I said, trying to keep my lack of composure out of my voice. "I'll let Drew know it's time." Although I had done nearly all of the detailed planning of the event, I had decided to let Drew act as the public face of Family Fest. He was already on rocky ground with Mr. Simpson after the Beach Bash incident, and he was one mistake away from losing his presidency – the only thing that was keeping him grounded.

Mr. Simpson looked displeased. "He knows it has to be completely non-denominational, right? No God, no Jesus, no Allah. Just giving thanks. Last year I had the Toronto Atheist League up my ass for a month and we had to cancel the teachers' holiday party."

I forced a professional smile on my face. "No sir," I said. "I vetted the speech myself. Nary a Ganesh or Mother Mary anywhere."

He gave me his usual grumpy nod before walking away. I rushed up to the stage and had to tap Drew on the shoulder before he even noticed me. "Are you sure you can do this?"

"Yes, Clare, I can read your speech in front of a few hundred people," Drew said. "I even remembered to bring your note cards."

"Good," I said, though I had another set in my purse just in case. I leaned in and gave him a quick hug. "I'm sorry I wasn't there on Saturday. There were extenuating circumstances. I'll explain later."

"Right," Drew said, his demeanor completely deflated.

Simpson was standing in the back with his arms crossed and gave me a signal to get things going. I knocked on the microphone to get everyone's attention and made sure that as I looked at the audience I avoided the table where Eli was seated next to Bianca. "On behalf of the Degrassi Community School Student Council, I'd like to thank you all for coming to today's Family Fest event. We know that you're anxious to get to the food, but first, our President Drew Torres will say a few words of thanks."

I shuffled down the stairs and hurried to the side of the room, wanting to be out of the way. Drew stepped up in my place and cleared his throat loudly, the sound reverberating through the room. "Sorry," he said, but he repeated the gesture without stepping back from the microphone.

He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again. With dread, I watched as he skimmed the first notecard before setting the pile down on the podium, face down. "I'm supposed to come up here and tell you all the things I'm thankful for," he began, and I took a few steps back toward the stage, as if the sight of me looking at him in horror would be enough to put him back on script. "And I am thankful that we're hosting this event and that you all could come and that you get to have the kind of holiday dinner that might be out of reach for some of you this year."

His bottom lip quivered. "But it's hard for me to be thankful because just two months ago, my brother died. And Thanksgiving was his favourite holiday."

I glanced around the crowd. Most of the kids were eyeing the bowls of food on the tables despite the somber address and most of the adults were looking at Drew with sympathy. Without meaning to, I glanced over at Eli and Bianca. I couldn't read Eli's expression but Bianca didn't look sympathetic at all; if anything, she looked positively disappointed.

"So I want to be thankful that I'm standing here, looking at all of your families, sitting together around these tables. But all I can think about is that in a few hours I'm going to go home to a dining room table with an empty chair. And Adam won't be there to eat half of the mashed potatoes and as much of the pumpkin pie as he could fit in his mouth at once. He won't list all of the comic books he's thankful for and he won't spill Coke on my mother's lace tablecloth. I'll never have another Thanksgiving with my brother. Everything will just be memories." He chuckled to himself, completely oblivious to the fact that 300 people were witnessing his breakdown. "And it'll never be like it was when we were kids and my mom used to make him wear those stupid frilly dresses and he used to get so pissed off."

I could some confused tittering in the crowd and Mr. Simpson grabbed my arm. "Get him off the stage," he growled.

I walked as close as I could and whispered as kindly as I could muster, "Drew...do you think you could wrap this up?"

Drew blinked as if I had just awoken him from a daze. "Oh...right." He looked back out at the audience and started making the sign of the cross. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...Amen."

He took off out the side door of the auditorium without looking back. Fortunately, the sight of the Thanksgiving Day feast was enough to distract everyone from such a strange display and the families started dishing out food and chatting amongst themselves. I glanced back at Mr. Simpson but fortunately, a woman had stopped and asked him a question because he looked livid, and I noticed that Bianca was still sitting with Eli, both of them looking miserable even as Eli helped himself to a scoop of mashed potatoes. I couldn't believe that she wasn't going to check on Drew, so I made my way over to the door he had gone through to find him myself.

It took a few minutes but finally I found him sitting on the risers in the cafeteria, his shoulders shaking slightly. I sat down next to him without a word and as he continued to cry I put my arm around his shoulder. He sank into me a little, but he didn't say anything and I wasn't sure if I had any words that could make him feel better.

"I'm sorry I asked you to do the speech," I said. "Holidays are the hardest and I shouldn't have put that much pressure on you."

"At the very least you could have written a speech that wasn't filled with so much bullshit," Drew groaned. "I don't think I could have read that even under normal circumstances."

I rolled my eyes but I was pleased that he sounded like himself, even though I could still see the tears trailing down his cheeks.

"I don't know how I'm going to survive this," he admitted, and I hugged him a little closer.

"You don't really have a choice," I said.

"Do you have any idea how many times a day Adam talked me out of doing something unbelievably dumb?"

He didn't mean it as a joke but I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm starting to."

A wry grin spread across his face for a moment but then he turned deadly serious. "Sometimes I think you're the only person who really understands me right now."

"That's not true." Drew didn't respond. "What about Bianca?"

Drew shook his head. "Bianca...she's moved on."

"Moved on?" I asked. "You guys broke up?"

"Not yet, but I don't know how long she's going to put up with me for. She doesn't have much patience for the whole grieving thing."

I couldn't imagine how someone could be so cold to someone she loved enough that she had almost married him last year. "She's probably just trying to be strong for you. You know she loved Adam."

"She did," he agreed. "But she's dealing with her grief by throwing herself into university. All she cares about are her classes and her work study job and all the people she's met. We talk on the phone every night and it's all Microeconomics and marketing club but whenever I bring up Adam, she changes the subject."

"She's here now," I said gently. "It's hard to talk about things that are real on the phone." I thought about all those Skype chats with Eli and how we never seemed to talk about anything more substantive than what we'd had for lunch and what kind of homework we were working on. I bet he saved all of those

"Half the time I don't even know what she's talking about. It's like she's got this whole new language. Not even just the university stuff, but she keeps talking about leverage and privilege and something called hege-money. I can't even talk to her without feeling like even more of an idiot than I usually do."

Drew leaned closer to me and I pushed back the urge to wipe the tears of his cheeks. "Do you ever feel that way? With Eli? Like he has this whole world that you're not a part of...and that he doesn't really even want you to be?"

Without thinking, I leaned in and pressed my lips to Drew's.

He pulled away immediately, so hastily that he nearly fell over in his hurry to get away from me. "Woah," he said, clearly not happy with the surprise gesture. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry," I said, but he cut me off so quickly that I realized his question was rhetorical.

"I don't...I mean...things with me and Bianca aren't great right now but that doesn't mean...I mean..._I don't like you_."

Drew's harsh words made my eyebrows raise, but my lack of a visceral response just confirmed that my momentary insanity wasn't based on any real emotional connection with Drew. "That's not why...I don't know..." I tried to explain but I couldn't find the words.

Drew seemed to realize that his reaction was a bit cruel, because he backpedaled. "I mean, I like you, obviously, as my veep and my friend. But I don't like you like _that_."

He took a step closer to me, placed his hand gently on me arm and looked into my eyes. "Honestly...I think of you like a sister."

I gaped at him, the weight of his words pulling at my heart. For Drew Torres, who had just lost his one and only brother, to say that to me, it was the highest compliment he could give. And as someone whose own sister had disappeared to Kenya three years and whose surrogate stepsibling had moved across the country, I knew that I would be happy to have Drew in that same role in my life.

"Ahem."

Drew and I looked up to find Imogen standing in the doorway. "Simpson's looking for you," she said, staring straight at Drew and not meeting my eyes. "Start working on your sympathy speech if you want to remain student council president."

Drew searched my face and I patted his arm. "Go. We can talk later." He nodded and left immediately without another word to either of us.

I'd seen Imogen upset several times before this but I had never seen her so _angry_ before. "Nice job, Clare. You're pissed at Eli so you kiss Drew?"

I hoped she hadn't arrived in time to see that but clearly I wasn't that lucky. "It was a mistake."

"No crap it was a mistake," she shrieked, crossing the room so she stood next to me. "He has a fiancee. And he's dealing with enough right now that he doesn't need to be pulled into your drama."

I cringed. "I don't know what I'm doing."

I sat down on the riser and Imogen joined me, putting her arm around me just as I had done to Drew just minutes earlier. "Why don't you tell me what happened? Start at the beginning. Because I still don't understand why Eli would cheat on you."

"I have no idea why either," I said softly. But I recounted the conversation that Eli and I had at my house, adding in the details that I had put together later. Imogen nodded sympathetically throughout and when I reached the end, she gave my shoulders a tight squeeze.

"It doesn't sound good," she agreed. "But I still think there's more to this story."

"Like what?"

"I mean, did she even know he had a girlfriend?"

I looked at Imogen wide-eyed. "How would that make anything better? He lived with this girl for a month and never mentioned me? If that's the case, he obviously didn't want having a girlfriend to hold him back from hooking up with other girls."

"But maybe they barely talked to each other. If all they ever said to each other was, "Is it okay if I turn out the light?" or "Can you turn your music down?" having a girlfriend wouldn't come up."

"I know Eli's your friend and you don't want to believe he's a jerk but the girl sent a picture of herself half naked on his bed inviting him to watch movies with her. I think they've gotten closer than polite statements of fact."

Imogen pouted and removed her arm from me. "Clare Edwards, I may have been Eli's friend first, but I'm your friend too. And I'm completely on your side on this. I just want to make sure that you have all the facts straight before you cast Eli out of your life forever."

"I don't think there's anything that can make this situation better," I said sadly. Forever, I repeated in my head. The thought of it made me want to curl up on the floor in a ball and never stop crying.

"I mean...was it a kiss...?" Before I could react, Imogen leaned in and planted a quick kiss on my lips. "Or was it a _kiss_?" She leaned in once again but I had enough notice that I gently pushed her away by the shoulders before she could make contact.

"_What_ are you doing?"

"He said that she kissed him and he stopped it," Imogen said, recounting one of the details I had just told her as if it were a new revelation.

"So?" I still couldn't believe that Imogen had actually kissed me, even if it were just to prove a point.

"Do you think Bianca should break up with Drew because you just kissed him?" Imogen asked pointedly.

"Of course not," I sighed. I already felt like a complete fool.

"So is it possible that Eli may be telling the truth? That she initiated the kiss and he pulled away right away?"

I hadn't really given that much thought. "Of course it's possible...but that's not the only reason why I'm mad at him. And how do I know he's telling the truth about that when he spent the past month lying to me?"

"You could talk to him," she suggested gently.

"And listen to more lies?"

"In my experience, Eli never wants to hurt anyone. And he'll do anything to make sure that he doesn't, even if it means hiding things from them." As she said it, I could think of so many times in our relationship that was true. The hoarding...the drugs. "But once he gets caught or decides it's time to come clean, he always tells the truth."

"But he's done that to me so many times. How many chances does he deserve? Why can't he just be honest in the first place?"

She shrugged. "One of the many mysteries of Eli Goldsworthy."

"I don't know what to do," I said, the refrain of the weekend repeating itself once again.

"You know, I thought Fiona was the love of my life, and she's halfway around the world right now," Imogen said, and I tried to follow the logic of her non-sequitur. "And the last person I had feelings for...well...he's no longer in my life." Imogen's mouth screwed up into a pout, as if she were doing everything in her power to hold back a sob. "I would give anything to sit down and talk to Adam right now, and I _can't_." Despite her efforts, a tear slipped down her cheek. "Just talk to him, Clare. If you want to break up, break up. But at least give him the opportunity to explain even if you can't forgive him for it."

"Imogen," I said gently, raising my arm to comfort her as she had done to me, but she shook her head.

"I kind of want to be alone right now," she said sniffling. "You should go find Eli."

I nodded. "Thanks," I whispered, squeezing her arm gently.

As I walked back to the gymnasium, I kept thinking about Adam and Drew and Imogen and how much we had lost this year. And as much as I didn't know what to do about Eli, the fact of the matter was that he was here. He had come home to Toronto to see me. He had shown up to Family Fest to help me, fully knowing that I wasn't expecting him. He was giving me the space I had asked for, but he was still here.

I found him standing by himself to the left of the stage, looking completely lost. But something made him look up and he saw me and we locked eyes across the auditorium. Before I could stop myself I stalked across the room and threw my arms around him. He took in a breath of surprise, but he wrapped his arms around my back as if this would be the last time he'd be able to touch me.

"I can't promise I'll forgive you," I said. "And I can't promise we'll stay together...but I'm willing to let you explain. I'm willing to listen."

"Thank you," he whispered gruffly, hugging me tighter.

I saw Mr. Simpson glaring at me over Eli's shoulder. "As soon as this is over," I said, pulling back and Eli nodded. He gave me his patented half smile before going back to a table to take an empty platter away.

I took a deep breath and went back to work.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Well...this almost killed me. I'm glad to be done with this chapter but have no fear, there's one more chapter coming, an epilogue of sorts. And then if all goes well, I should be getting back to Stay which I have been doing a lot of brainstorming on if not a lot of writing that doesn't need to be thrown out.**

**I'm glad I got this posted before Thursday and though I doubt I'll finish it before then, I hope that at the end of Thursday's episode (though more likely the week after) Eclare ends up in a good place. I know that sneak peek clip looks pretty damning but I'm hoping it either happens like it does in this fic or that it's not even about cheating at all. There does seem to be a good chance that's the case but we'll just have to wait and see.**

**Oh well. We'll always have fanfiction.**

* * *

_Monday, October 14, 4:53 p.m._

It was nearly five before all of the clean up was finished and I ushered the last of the volunteers out of the door. Eli hung back, clearly unsure of what to do. "I just need to get my stuff."

He nodded. I left him in the gym and went to the student council room to get my jacket and purse and drop my clipboard on my desk. I did a quick sweep of the halls but didn't catch any stragglers, so I went to collect Eli. He was standing outside the gym, looking at a display case that held Cam Saunder's hockey jersey.

"Seems like another lifetime," he said softly, though it had only been six months since Cam's death. I resisted the urge to pull him into a hug and remind him that I was there for him – I didn't know if I could be. We had been through so much together and I felt like Eli had thrown that all away.

"We can't stay; I have to lock up," I said, feeling awful for being so cold.

He trailed after me and stepped aside to let me lock the door. When I turned around, I realized we weren't alone. Drew was sitting on the steps with Bianca on his lap. Both of them were crying but I could see they were smiling through their tears. I hesitated, not sure what I was interrupting or if I was about to be on the receiving end of a Bianca DeSousa led catfight.

Bianca looked up and saw us. "Sorry," she said, wiping away her tears before wrapping her arms back around Drew. "We're remembering the life and times of Adam Torres."

"He was such a dumbass," Drew giggled, pulling Bianca even closer.

"You guys should stop by Casa Torres later," Bianca said. She was talking to Eli and me but her eyes didn't leave Drew's face. "We've got a box of Adam's stuff that I know you'll want to have."

"Don't come after nine," Drew said. "Bee and I will be busy." He must have tickled Bianca because she shrieked before pulling him in for a kiss.

Eli and I exchanged a look. As thrilled as I was that Drew had clearly not told Bianca about my moronic decision to kiss him earlier, it was pretty gross to stand here and watch the two of them make out. After a long moment when it became clear they weren't going to come up for air any time soon, Eli nodded toward the street and we left the happy couple without saying goodbye.

It was awkward walking down the sidewalk with Eli without holding his hand and for the first time in our relationship, the silence was uncomfortable. I couldn't remember the last time we'd walked together without Eli telling me an animated story or the two of us arguing over a book we'd both read but we'd spent hours in the hospital together reading to ourselves or on the computer in silence without a hint of awkwardness. Eli seemed to feel the same way because he said, "Do you want coffee or anything?"

It was cold and I wouldn't mind having something to hold onto to keep my hands from shaking, but I knew that any of the local cafes would be closed for the holiday. "That's okay," I said softly.

Without discussing a destination we turned down Queen Street. Just a half block away was the bench where we'd almost kissed for the first time when we'd skipped English class to work on my writing assignment – and the place a few months later where we'd nearly broken up. Eli cleared his throat. "Should we sit?"

I took a seat, grateful that he put a reasonable distance between us when he did the same. "You're awfully quiet," he said, after a long silence.

"I'm afraid of what I'll say to you if I talk," I said, my voice low and scratchy.

"Whatever you say, I deserve it," he said. "I totally fucked everything up."

His resigned admission of guilt surprised me. Usually Eli was full of excuses for everything, reasons why his bad behaviour – though wrong – was reasonable, and sometimes even well-intentioned. But right now, he just sounded completely defeated.

He sounded depressed.

"Are you taking your meds?" I asked. I knew that Eli's bipolar disorder didn't mean he wasn't responsible for his actions but sometimes knowing _why _he screwed up made it a bit less painful.

Eli nodded. "Yeah...but they're not working as well as they used to...or they are working, but everything else is messed up. I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

Eli met my eyes and I could tell he was encouraged by the fact that I was still sitting here, wanting to hear his explanation. "I do pretty well when my support system is in place, but being away from you and my parents is hard. Especially since everything is so new and the workload is stressful and meeting people and still being messed up over Adam and then...well...not being honest with you kind of fucked me up even worse. And I don't like the school therapist – he's kind of a dick – so it's not like I was getting professional help in your absence."

"So let me guess...Lenore helped you," I said bitterly.

"Yes and no," Eli said candidly, clearly either deaf to my tone or choosing to ignore it. "But not in the way you're thinking."

"I'm going to be sick," I mumbled, his words calling to mind even worse images than the ones I had conjured on my own.

"Clare," he said gently as he reached out and touched the sleeve of my denim jacket. "Just hear me out."

I closed my eyes. I wasn't sure what was worse: sitting here listening to Eli tell me about another girl or walking away from him forever. I forced myself to stay put.

"I guess I should start by explaining the whole roommate situation," Eli began and I snorted.

"A month too late."

"A month too late," he agreed. "The thing is: it was only supposed to be temporary, a night or two tops before we worked out some sort of roommate switch."

"I don't understand how you even got into the situation in the first place."

Eli gave a short laugh before thinking better of it. "Well you know how my roommate hadn't moved in until the first day of classes?" I nodded. That was probably the last truthful conversation Eli and I had. "Well, I walked into the room intending to introduce myself, only to find him jerking off while watching porn."

I raised an eyebrow. Eli occasionally made a masturbation joke around me but this wasn't the kind of thing we regularly discussed.

Eli continued, "And for some odd reason, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal that I had seen his dick before finding out his name and when I suggested that he might want to put some clothes on and not jerk off while I'm in the room, he left, ranting about how _I'm_ a freak."

It was almost be funny if I didn't know how it all ended. "And how exactly does Lenore fit into all this?"

"She and I had met earlier in the day and hit it off. She's a film major too and she's in two my classes. And she wasn't exactly a fan of her roommate either, so when J.J. announced he was looking for a new roommate, she offered to switch with him."

So obviously, Lenore had met Eli and realized that he was attractive, intelligent and charismatic and figured if she could get close to him, she could get into his pants. "And you were...okay...with that?" I asked, my jaw so tense that my whole face ached.

He shrugged. "I didn't know anyone else, she seemed nice and like I said, it was only supposed to be a night or two. I figured the housing department would fix things and I'd get some normal guy and everything would be fine."

"Then how come she's still your roommate?" _And how come this is the first I'm hearing of this?_, I wanted to ask but I figured I might as well let him explain before getting into the fight we needed to have.

Eli cringed. "Apparently, Audri – Lenore's old roommate – has a thing for mutual masturbation and it took all of three hours for her and J.J. to start hooking up. They refused to switch back so we could go through the official roommate switch process."

"So you were stuck with Lenore..."

He nodded. "And it was cool at first because she's nice and funny and we have a lot in common. I was really glad to have her as a friend because it's lonely at university when you don't really know anyone and you're far away from everyone you love, and she's super outgoing and introduced me to a bunch of people. Her dad works for Criterion so she's got this epic movie collection and we'd just hang out and watch movies and invite over the other film nerds for marathons and I thought she was going to end up being my best friend at university."

"And instead, you fell in love with her," I chirped sarcastically.

"No! It's not like that," he insisted.

"But it is for her," I said bluntly. "She obviously has feelings for you if she kissed you."

Eli sighed. "I didn't realize she liked me until he was too late."

"Come on, Eli," I scoffed. "You can't be that blind. I've never even met the girl; I heard about her for the first time two days ago, and I can see it."

He shook his head. "She has a flirty personality. Girls, guys, anyone she comes across. It wasn't just toward me. I mean, I'm kind of the same way. Watch me have a conversation with Fiona or Imogen and there will be flirty banter. It doesn't mean anything."

"Imogen who you used to have feelings for and Fiona who if she wasn't a lesbian you would add to the hypothetical list of women you'd really like to have sex with."

Eli gave me a wry smile but I wasn't feeling any less hurt, confused or angry. "Did she know about me?" I asked softly.

"I talked about you nonstop," Eli confirmed. "You're my computer wallpaper, and my cell phone lock screen, and I have a whole damn collage of pictures of you on my wall. She knew I had a girlfriend."

"I feel like if she knew you had a girlfriend, you must have been giving her some sort of sign you were interested, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered."

"I have gone over everything I've said to her and everything I did...I know I didn't cross any lines, Clare. You have to believe me."

"Then what happened?" I demanded.

Eli cringed. "You aren't going to want to hear this."

God, I knew it was going to be bad but to have him confirm that made my heart sink into my stomach. "I have to."

"As much as you think I'm an idiot, maybe like a week and a half after we became roommates, I did start to get a clue that she might like me. It wasn't anything specific but she seemed to always sit close to me when we were watching movies and she never had anything to say about the scripts I was writing for class even though they were total shit."

He let her read his scripts? Somehow this felt like more of a betrayal than any one-time kiss could be. It wasn't fair of me to expect that I was his only source of writing advice but the fact that he allowed her to be that person broke my heart.

"I was trying to spend a little less time in the room and started watching some of the films for class in the library, just to put some space between us. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea that I was interested in her when I wasn't. But one day I got back to the room after class and I was just fucking around on the internet, and she came back from the shower wearing a towel. I didn't really think anything of it because everyone in university walks around half-naked after showering so I just said hi and told her I'd leave so she could get dressed."

The visual of the gorgeous, skinny Lenore from Eli's Facerange wall wearing nothing but a towel made me want to punch Eli for ever thinking that having an attractive female roommate who wasn't me or someone I knew and trusted was acceptable.

Eli continued, "And she was like, 'No, it's okay, I'm not going to get dressed right away because I just waxed my'...you know," he said gesturing at his crotch. "And something about chafing, I don't know."

I blushed. It figured that Lenore was an expert in body hair maintenance. I'd had no idea that Eli and I would get back together at prom and hadn't even done my usual tidying up with a razor and though Eli hadn't seemed bothered by it, I wondered if he'd rather be with someone like her who knew exactly what she was doing, sexually and otherwise.

"I didn't know what to do so I just put my headphones back on and I was staring straight at the computer and the next thing I knew she was standing next to me and tapping me on the shoulder. And when I looked up, she dropped her towel and she was completely naked and she asked me if I thought she did a good job and I was just in shock."

"And that's when she kissed you?" I asked incredulously.

"No!" Eli practically shouted. "I got out of there as fast my feet could carry me. I slammed my shoulder into the doorframe so hard on the way out that I practically had to go to Student Health to get it checked."

I stared at him wide-eyed. "And even after _that_, you were still roommates with her?!"

He rested his head in his hands. "I didn't know what to do," he said. "I didn't come back to the room for two days and even then, I only went to grab my laptop and a change of clothes. I slept a couple nights on the couch in the lounge until the R.A. kicked me out. I tried not to be in the room except to sleep and even that I avoided when I could." He flinched as if he thought I was about to strike him. "I got completely wasted at this party just so I'd have an excuse to crash on some guy's floor. I didn't even know the people throwing it."

"You're not supposed to drink on your meds either," I admonished.

"I know. I know," he said sharply before softening his reponse, "I'm sorry. I'm just so pissed off at myself for everything."

I wanted to stay mad at him but I could tell that he was beating himself up over this enough for both of us. But I wasn't ready to forgive him. "Get to the kiss," I demanded.

He nodded. "A week ago, on Saturday, I saw her and her group from film class doing a shoot out in Washington Square Park. And I was pretty tired of spending all of my time at the library, and I figured she wouldn't be back for a while so I went back to the room. I took a shower and fell asleep doing some reading and when I woke up, she was there. We hadn't talked since what happened and she immediately apologized. She knew she had crossed a line and that I had a girlfriend and she felt awful that she had screwed up our friendship." He turned toward me. "She was really sincere, Clare."

"Clearly."

He ignored my retort and continued. "Well, I believed her. And I was tired of living like a nomad so I stayed in the room. But my reading was boring and I needed a distraction so I grabbed my laptop and I saw the email from Audra." He gulped and I could tell he was just as upset thinking about it now as he was then. "I just kept thinking about her getting rid of Adam's stuff and knowing I couldn't be there to stop her and thinking about Adam and Julia..." His voice cracked as he said her name and I longed to reach out for him.

It had taken me a long time before I really understood Eli's relationship with Julia and his feelings for her in light of her untimely death but for months Eli had seemed to be doing really well on the front. I had expected that my cancer battle might dredge up some bad memories but at least in my presence, Eli had managed to separate the fact that I had a small but very real chance that I wouldn't survive from the fact that Julia hadn't.

"I just started crying like a fucking baby," Eli said and tears were streaming down his cheeks, mirroring his words. "And Lenore came over and gave me a hug and she just listened to me. I told her about Adam and Julia and the hoarding and it all just came pouring out and she was really...kind about it."

"You should have called _me_," I cried, unable to listen to his story without interjecting any longer. "God, Eli, do you really think that she could understand you like I can? About how you feel about Adam? And Julia! How many hours did we sit in you room, crying just like this, trying to hold on to only the most important memories? Do you really think some girl you've known for a month can be there for you more than I can?"

"No!" he shouted. "But I didn't want to be understood. I wanted to wallow in the pain because I lost my best friend and my first girlfriend and I knew that as soon as I sat down and told you the truth, I'd lose you too."

"So you kissed her..." The venom in my voice overtook any lingering sobs. "If you were going to lose me, you might as well have someone else waiting for you."

"For fuck's sake, Clare, don't you get it? I don't want to be with Lenore. I don't want to lose you. I fucked things up – I know I did – but my feelings for you have never wavered. Not even a little bit."

"I don't believe you!" I shrieked.

I'm not sure what made Eli do it, but the next thing I knew his arms were wrapped around me and he was holding me so tightly I wasn't sure I could breathe but I knew I didn't want to push him away.

"I'm here, Clare," he said, his mouth whispering against my ear. "If I wanted to be with her, I would have written you a Dear John email and stayed at NYU with her. I'm here with you. That's where I want to be."

"You're flying back tomorrow morning," I reminded him. "Your argument isn't convincing."

"I wish I could drop out of school and stay with you," he said, his fingers tracing a line down my neck that made me shiver. "Start over again next year. It would be so much easier with you there."

"Because you wouldn't be tempted to cheat?"

He held my face so I couldn't look away from him. "Because I wouldn't spend every waking moment missing you."

It was hard for me to trust Eli after all the lies he'd told me. But I knew that his feelings for me were genuine. I just didn't know if that was enough for me to forgive him.

"You need to finish your story," I said gently, unwrapping his arms from me and shuffling a little farther away. I was too drained by this conversation to continue the show of anger even though I still felt it inside, but I needed space to listen to him objectively.

Eli sighed. "It took a while but when I finally calmed down, she ordered us some Chinese food and put on a movie and we just sat together and watched, like we did the first week of school when I thought she was going to be a great friend. And when it was over, I gave her a hug to thank her for being there when I really needed a friend, and then she leaned in and kissed me."

"What did you do?"

He looked me straight in the eye. "I stopped it immediately, grabbed my cell phone and walked out of the room, then proceeded to call Bullfrog and tell him I had to come home this weekend because I had to see you and that I'd spend the entirity of Christmas break working to back him back for the plane ticket. I crashed on Josh's floor for the rest of the week and only went back for clothes when I knew she wouldn't be there. I haven't even talked to her since."

I narrowed my eyes skeptically. "Then why is she sending you Facerange messages about watching movies with her when you get back?"

He looked down at his hands. "If I had to guess? I'd say she saw I was coming home to Toronto and assumes that once I tell you the truth that you'll dump me and then they'll be nothing standing in the way of us being together."

"And is that true?" I asked.

He looked up in confusion. "I'm hoping that you won't dump me. But even if you do, I'm not going to be with her. I swear that the only feeling I have for her is friendship and since she betrayed that I'm pretty sure I don't even want that."

"But she's still going to be your roommate?"

"I called my R.A. yesterday and explained the situation. He talked to J.J. and Audri about switching back but they're still together and they refused – and since NYU does allow coed roommates although usually not in Freshman housing – he decided not to fight them on it."

"So you're stuck with Lenore?" I felt a pang in my heart, and I knew that as long as Eli lived with her I would never be able to trust him.

He shook his head. "He called me back about an hour ago. There's one single room on our floor and the girl who lives there is a major stoner. He's caught her smoking in res three different times and gave her warnings instead of turning her into the campus cops so she owes him big. She agreed to switch rooms so as of tomorrow night, I should have a single."

I wanted to be happy about this, but she'd be living right down the hall, and he had just reminded me of another trust issue we had. "Are you still doing drugs?"

Eli looked confused. "No. Not at all. And trust me if I wanted to, I could, because I get hit up by dealers every time I walk through Washington Square Park on my way to class. I haven't even smoked since..."

I cut him off. "Since Grade 12 Ditch Day with my wonderful stepbrother?"

He winced. "He told you about that?"

"Imogen," I said, glad he had the decency to look chagrined about it. "Apparently when you're high you exhibit potential same-sex tendencies."

He opened his mouth and closed it again before responding. "Well, if I hadn't already stopped smoking, that would be enough to convince me."

I went silent, weighing every detail of this conversation. Eli seemed to understand and waited for a few minutes, wringing his hands, before he couldn't help but ask, "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"She doesn't mean anything to me," he vowed. "You have to believe me." I held up my hand to halt his argument.

"I'm not mad about what happened with Lenore."

"You're not?" Eli asked hopefully.

"I believe you. She liked you, you didn't like her in that way, and you rebuffed her advances. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Oh, thank God." Eli let out a sigh of relief that was altogether premature.

"What I'm mad about is the fact that you waited over a month to tell me all of this and lied to me in the interim. And I just can't understand why."

He sighed. "I really don't have a good explanation. I was going to tell you as soon as the roommate thing got settled, and then it didn't. And I tried to tell you once but you interrupted me and somehow got the impression that I had a male roommate named Len and then...it was just easier let you believe that. I knew the longer I waited the worse it would be because it would look like I was hiding something."

"That's exactly what it looked like."

"Telling you just made it all real. Before that I could pretend that it was temporary and she was just a friend who happened to share a room with me and it wasn't a big deal. It was just like sharing with J.J. would have been except with less awkward masturbation interruptions."

"But it wasn't just like that, was it?"

He shook his head. "I knew if I told you, you'd be mad. And even if you understood, you'd still get jealous. And I didn't want every conversation we had to be a fight about Lenore and whether I was spending time with her or whether I had feelings for her, because distance is hard enough without fighting all the time. It was just easier for her to be one of the guys from film class like Josh or Derek or Abrahim."

"I wouldn't have been jealous," I mumbled, but I knew it was a lie. Eli had plenty of female friends at Degrassi, but I knew who they were. They weren't a nebulous hot roommate who I only knew about from dribs and drabs of conversation. He wasn't spending the night with them every single night even from across the room.

"And this is going to sound awful...but I just have to say it." He sucked in a deep breath. "I was scared I was going to cheat."

I gasped at his admission. "You just spent the last half hour telling me how much you didn't want to be with her and how you only wanted me and you still thought about cheating on me with her? Are you freaking kidding me?"

"I didn't _want_ to do it," he insisted. "It's just every bipolar side-effect list has impulsive sexual decisions on it, and she was there and there's no denying the fact that she's hot and I knew I wasn't in the right state mentally and I was scared I was going to have a manic episode and do something when I wasn't thinking clearly because I knew she wouldn't stop me."

"Eli," I said, trying to collect my thoughts. "Being bipolar doesn't turn you into a different person. You're not a casual, promiscuous sex kind of guy. Just because you're manic doesn't mean you become a monster. It just exacerbates all the parts of you that you already have trouble controlling..." I thought back to the lists I had read myself many times before. "Your grand plans and your inability think things through are always going to be a problem for you. Sex isn't."

"I hooked up with Imogen," he said quickly.

"What?!" Was he going to tell me that he hadn't cheated on me with Lenore but with one of my very own friends?

"Last year, during Love Roulette." I thought back to that time period. He and I had been broken up for over a month and I had already started dating Jake. "So there's precedent."

"But you liked Imogen...and you were single..."

"But I was still hung up on you," he insisted. "And I knew she liked me. I shouldn't have done it."

"It sounds like it was a mistake, but I don't think it's a sign that you're completely unable to control yourself." It was hard to think about him being with someone else, even when I was doing the same thing at the time. "If she hadn't wanted to kiss you, you would never have forced her or tried to convince her, right?"

"Of course not," he said, sounding more sure of himself.

"You didn't sleep with her, did you?" I had never actually asked Eli that before, assuming that if he had, he would have mentioned it after we got back together. I'd figured it was a longshot as they'd only been dating for maybe two weeks before they broke up, but I hadn't known they'd hooked up months before their brief relationship.

He shook his head. "No! Not even close. We kissed and I touched her boobs through her shirt but that was it."

I wrinkled my nose. There was honesty and there was too much honesty. "I really didn't need to know that."

"I just want to make sure I don't leave anything out. I don't want to lie to you ever again," Eli said.

I realized there were a few things I should probably mention. "In the spirit of honesty, there is one thing I should tell you," I said slowly. Eli raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. "I kissed Drew."

"You what?" Eli said, standing and stepping away from me. "You were angry at me for getting kissed by someone else and _you_ kissed Drew?"

"It was stupid," I admitted.

He shook his head. "When did this happen?"

I looked down at my hands. "About five hours ago."

Eli stared at me. "Really?" He sounded more confused than angry.

I shrugged. "It didn't mean anything, I swear. He was upset and I was _really _mad at you. Can I plead temporary insanity?"

He let out a dark laugh and sat back down next to me, his hands dangling over his bent knees. "I think I can forgive you as long as you answer my next question honestly." A smirk spread over his face. "Is Drew a good kisser?"

I let out a sigh of relief at his teasing. After everything we'd been through, I couldn't imagine ruining our relationship over a momentary lapse of judgement. "It was pretty much like kissing my brother," I said, smiling at the memory of what Drew had said to be me after.

"Ah," he said. "So as bad as Jake then."

I socked him in the arm even though I was grinning at him. "Stop."

"It's just another reminder that ever time I piss you off you make some seriously questionable boy choices."

"I'm pretty sure _all_ of my boy choices have been rather questionable," I said. "Um...I may have also kissed Imogen today...or she kissed me rather...but it was purely for demonstrative purposes."

I don't even think I could describe the look of horny teenage boy joy that immediately crossed Eli's face. "Okay I changed my mind. I'll forgive you for kissing Drew if you kiss Imogen again...and let me watch."

"Eli!" I said, blushing.

"You don't even understand, Clare. There were a good few months where that was literally the only thing I fantasized about. I mean, not the only thing, because most of the time you two were doing a whole lot more than kissing...and sometimes you let me join in."

He looked off into the distance, clearly recalling these dirty thoughts, and I whacked him on the shoulder. "You're so gross."

"Was there tongue at least?"

"Was there tongue when you kissed Lenore?" I asked sharply.

"No," he said directly, switching tones as quickly as I had. "I told you I stopped it right away. There was barely even lip contact."

We fell silent again and I tried to figure out what I wanted the resolution of this discussion to be. My heart was telling me that I couldn't give up on him even as my brain told me I was foolish to be so trusting. But he hadn't really cheated, and he had come clean even if it took him way too long and I had to have some hope that we could fix this.

I made my final decision and leaned over and took his hand in mine.

Eli looked at our entwined fingers for a few seconds before asking, "So does this mean we're okay?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "But I'm hoping we can get there again."

"What do you need me to do?" he asked. "Because I will do anything to help you trust me again."

"We need to communicate better," I said. "Every day. Even if we're both strapped for time, we should talk for at least ten minutes a day."

"We could set up another skype date. Once a week and it can rotate to whatever the best time is for the week."

I nodded. "But you can't just tell me about your classes. I need to know how you're doing. I need to know that you hate your therapist and that you're having trouble making friends and that your roommate tried to have sex with you."

He smirked. "Well I'll be in a single, so does that mean you want a full report on every time I jerk off? Because my sexy girlfriend is a few hours away so it'll happen a lot more than you're expecting."

"Be serious," I said, pulling my hand away, but to be honest, I appreciated the joking tone. He was starting to sound like Eli again and not the depressed shell of a boy who had shown up on my doorstep two days ago and broken my heart.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I am taking this seriously. I'm going to go home and give thanks to a God I'm pretty sure doesn't exist because you're giving me another chance."

"Don't get too excited," I said. "You're on probation until I'm sure you're not hiding things from me."

"That's fair," he said.

"And you need to start eating better...and sleeping. You really look terrible."

He rolled his eyes and stood up, holding out his hand to me. "Can we start with Thanksgiving dinner at my parents'? If we're lucky they'll be all done with the tofurkey and have moved on to dessert. Cece makes a killer apple pie."

"Tofurkey?" I wrinkled my nose.

Eli shook his head. "Apparently I'm not the only Goldsworthy to have lost his shit in the past few months. Cece saw a documentary about cruelty to farm animals and has gone vegan on us."

"Yikes," I said, leading him down the street toward his house. "If we're hungry later, we can grab leftovers at my house."

"That sounds good," Eli said. "I'd love to see your mom."

I stopped in my tracks. "Really?"

He smiled. "During your chemo, you slept a lot. So she and I would hang out and play cards. I even got her to watch a couple of French films. We kind of got to be friends." His expression dropped. "You didn't tell her...?" He trailed off.

I shook my head. "I told you you had to stay in New York. She thought I was upset because I wasn't seeing you."

"Thanks," he said. "It took a long time for Helen to finally like me. I wouldn't want to lose that."

"You're in New York now," I reminded him. "You'll hardly see her."

Eli turned to face me and took both of my hands in his. "Clare, I'm in this for the long haul. I'm going to see your mother plenty of times in the next 60 years. Her opinion of me matters."

It was hard to believe that two days ago I thought I had lost Eli forever and here he was, pledging to spend the rest of his life with me. I wasn't sure how to respond, especially since my confidence in our ability to get through everything clearly wasn't as strong as his, no matter how much I wanted the same future. So I just smiled and took his hand and together we walked home.


End file.
